I wish that I would cease to exist.
Because if I did, then I wouldn't have to think. I'm so tired of thinking, you know. Thinking is something that I do perpetually. I long to see the moment when I don't have to think anymore.
>I'm beginning to sound like somebody Miriam or Faye. Yoohoo! My blog is soon going to be like theirs..<
If I ceased to exist then I wouldn't have mull over all my problems right now. I don't even have to put up the effort of breathing, or staying awake, or sleeping.
And I don't mean dying. I mean just CEASING to exist. Just disappear in one "poof!" with all my mind, body and soul. Maybe if I became nothing then I would know the meaning of true existence. Just KNOW, because i don't exist.
Right now I'm leaving marks that I once existed. What I want to be is to just turn into nothing and be forgotten. When I do that, this blog, and all the other things that i leave behind will only be marks. Just that: marks. Something to remind people that this wretched person existed and just ceased to be. They would robably puzzle around in their heads, "How can something like that just happen? Is this really true? Or Is somebody just making this up and trying to fool around.
All this sounds like I just want to run from all the responsibilities that I have, right? Hah, You don't really know what's going on in this funny head. You don't know how confused this mind is from all that thinking. You don't know how lost this soul feels. You don't know how much I miss the old days with the people I love. You don't know how much trouble living is.
Or maybe you do know how much trouble living can be. You may have experienced the problems brought by everyday. You may understand how much trouble all that happens out of nowhere or all those that result from mistakes made so long ago can bring.
you know what I am so afraid of? I'm afraid that not everything will turn out fine like it all did when I was little. I have to think of all the things that I am going to do and all that I have done. Who knows? All the lies that I am able to tell today may lose me my place in heaven. Or maybe it can just be discovered by all the people that I betray, then they wouldn't trust me anymore. I lie to survive beatings and lashings of the tongue, so that I stay safe. But all these lies may just come back all in one peice to punish me some time in the future. I guess I'm afraid of that. That's why i wish never existed.
My parents will probably tell me, "You owe us your life, you know."
I will answer, "Who told you that I wanted to live anyway? Did anybody tell you that I desired to live? Did anybody convey you the message fo rme that I wanted to be born, that I wanted to grow up? Did I even tell you that I wanted to live? I can die right now for all I care. Then I wouldn't owe you anything at all. I would not need to be the perfect intelligent daughter that you have always wanted me to be."
See how my thoughts can fly about? I fail to clean the floor properly and my mother goes, "have you really cleaned this floor? Why is it still dirty?" etc.
i really want to answer with anice wry smile, "Go on, caomplain about my work all you want. It's the field where you excel the most. I very well know that constant practice makes things perfect. At least you get some ability perfect." I'd probably get a nice crisp *plak* on my cheek for just saying this, but I'd still smile. Smile that she gets offended by the truth.
My sister says to my mother, "You were saying, Ma? That I should just keep quiet? I f i do remain quiet and not defend myself then you'd thin kthat I'm a very bad girl. Do I not have the right to speak up and defend myself?"
Haha.. here comes the really funny part: My mother answers, "It's you father who is quarreling with you. But you quarrel with me." Isa siyang malaking PALUSOT. haha. She can't facve the truth so she answers something else.
Now it's getting obvious that I'm simply rebelling against my mother. *smile* Yes. That's just it. I wish to stop existing just because of my mother.
Uhm... not really. the paragraph with a lot of You-don't-knows cantain something else other than my mother.
Pretty long entry, huh? It ends here.
>I'm beginning to sound like somebody Miriam or Faye. Yoohoo! My blog is soon going to be like theirs..<
If I ceased to exist then I wouldn't have mull over all my problems right now. I don't even have to put up the effort of breathing, or staying awake, or sleeping.
And I don't mean dying. I mean just CEASING to exist. Just disappear in one "poof!" with all my mind, body and soul. Maybe if I became nothing then I would know the meaning of true existence. Just KNOW, because i don't exist.
Right now I'm leaving marks that I once existed. What I want to be is to just turn into nothing and be forgotten. When I do that, this blog, and all the other things that i leave behind will only be marks. Just that: marks. Something to remind people that this wretched person existed and just ceased to be. They would robably puzzle around in their heads, "How can something like that just happen? Is this really true? Or Is somebody just making this up and trying to fool around.
All this sounds like I just want to run from all the responsibilities that I have, right? Hah, You don't really know what's going on in this funny head. You don't know how confused this mind is from all that thinking. You don't know how lost this soul feels. You don't know how much I miss the old days with the people I love. You don't know how much trouble living is.
Or maybe you do know how much trouble living can be. You may have experienced the problems brought by everyday. You may understand how much trouble all that happens out of nowhere or all those that result from mistakes made so long ago can bring.
you know what I am so afraid of? I'm afraid that not everything will turn out fine like it all did when I was little. I have to think of all the things that I am going to do and all that I have done. Who knows? All the lies that I am able to tell today may lose me my place in heaven. Or maybe it can just be discovered by all the people that I betray, then they wouldn't trust me anymore. I lie to survive beatings and lashings of the tongue, so that I stay safe. But all these lies may just come back all in one peice to punish me some time in the future. I guess I'm afraid of that. That's why i wish never existed.
My parents will probably tell me, "You owe us your life, you know."
I will answer, "Who told you that I wanted to live anyway? Did anybody tell you that I desired to live? Did anybody convey you the message fo rme that I wanted to be born, that I wanted to grow up? Did I even tell you that I wanted to live? I can die right now for all I care. Then I wouldn't owe you anything at all. I would not need to be the perfect intelligent daughter that you have always wanted me to be."
See how my thoughts can fly about? I fail to clean the floor properly and my mother goes, "have you really cleaned this floor? Why is it still dirty?" etc.
i really want to answer with anice wry smile, "Go on, caomplain about my work all you want. It's the field where you excel the most. I very well know that constant practice makes things perfect. At least you get some ability perfect." I'd probably get a nice crisp *plak* on my cheek for just saying this, but I'd still smile. Smile that she gets offended by the truth.
My sister says to my mother, "You were saying, Ma? That I should just keep quiet? I f i do remain quiet and not defend myself then you'd thin kthat I'm a very bad girl. Do I not have the right to speak up and defend myself?"
Haha.. here comes the really funny part: My mother answers, "It's you father who is quarreling with you. But you quarrel with me." Isa siyang malaking PALUSOT. haha. She can't facve the truth so she answers something else.
Now it's getting obvious that I'm simply rebelling against my mother. *smile* Yes. That's just it. I wish to stop existing just because of my mother.
Uhm... not really. the paragraph with a lot of You-don't-knows cantain something else other than my mother.
Pretty long entry, huh? It ends here.
posted by Kate at Sunday, July 10, 2005
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