I feel cross. (tagalog entry)

Paano? ayaw ako payagan na pumunta sa stargazing.

Ang labo kasi ng tatay ko eh. Paalam ako para sa stargazing ng astrosoc (pisay) stargazing sa monday ayaw naman ako payagan. nung una ang sabi niya, tama na yan. wala ka na sa high school diba? wala ka nang kinalaman dyan.
gusto kong isagot "last na ito.." kaya lang ano naman ang epekto nun sa tatay ko? o baka naman ako ang malabo... nahihiya kasi ako magpumilit, baka magalit... haay :-<

tapos sinubukan ko ulit kanina.. aba! dinahilan daw yung pagpupuyat ko recently. kesyo sa gabi daw ako gising at sa umaga tulog. *roll eyes* masama ba? siguro para sa kanila dapat maaga ako gumigising. ano kaya wag nalang ako matulog? para bangag ako..

eto naman ang naisip ko.. kung pinagpatuloy ko ng mabuti ang astronomy... yun bang pinagkakakitaan ko na. eh di dapat sa gabi na talaga ako gising. tapos sa umaga tulog. nocturnal. wala na silang magagawa, pinagkakakitaan ko na yun eh.
tama, pwede kong gawin yun. papatunayan ko sa kanila na pwede ako sa gabi gising at sa umaga tulog. magshift na kaya ako ng physics para pwedeng tumuloy somehow sa astronomy. hahanap na ako ngayon palang ng paraan para makarating sa astronomy thru physics. kung may mahanap ako by the end of this coming sem (bandang march), magshishift na ako sa physics next year. tama. kung meron pang ibang paraan, dun ako pupunta (except nalang kung lumabag yun sa dost contract ko. pahamak din pala yun minsan, i'm boud for 8-10 years.)

matanong ko nga somewhere kung ilang years ang physics course sa up. kung 4 lang, eh di ayos, mas mataas na sipends, mas maikli pa duration ng kontrata (8 years). kung 5.. ewan, pag-iisipan ko pa.

secret natin toh ah. walang magsasabi sa magulang ko. binabalak ko mag-shift sa physics. konting kalap nalang ng impormasyon, paghahambing ng ece at physics, pati ang babagsakan ko pagkagraduate... makakapag-desisyon na ako.

Just lost but not unfortunate. Thank God.

Hey readers. This entry will be a bit more special because these will be the very same words will be pasted onto my real diary/journal.

Today is one of the days when I suddenly feel depressed in the middle of being happy. (Oh yeah readers, I'll tell you the reason why I'm generally happy this sem. It's like a secret that's given away too freely even for my taste.) I'm generally happy because I no longer have the stupid "crush" feeling. Now, I feel so free to be alone and to have complete control of everything that I ever want to do.

Now why did I feel sad today? My plan for the day was take the finals exam in Philo11 at 11.30-1.00. I just intend to be in the right place at the right time. I didn't even study. Then last night I thought of going to Pisay. I had to inquire about something anyway, so I can go. I texted my friend Clao that I will be coming at 2pm, after my finals exam. But she said that that time was too late. I should come over at 9.30am so that I can watch their semi-finals game. I thought, "Oh my God, Intrams nila ngayon!" Because of memories of last year's intrams, I came earlier. I was happy at my visit because my friends were so happy to see me.

At around 11, I went to take my finals. I was surprised at how the exam was relatively easy. there were 10 items. The only item that I wasn't able to answer was number 10. I found a way with number 4. After my finals, I went to buy my lunch, a monay worth P10. You know who came around? Sir Tabins saves my day! We talked of going to Pisay. He didn't know about the intrams week. He made my entrance to pisay easier. Afterall, he was once a teacher there.

This time, I became depressed. I began to find out that I had no real reason to visit aside from watch the game. I tried to find a right time to ask Desa what kind of help she needed for their research. But that right moment never came. She went away. I sort of got lost there. My friends have moved away somehow, they have found more solid ground without me.

Yeah, it's one of those days when I'm just forced to think. When I was coming home, I thought about how my life was turning out. Then I realized that during high school, I was in some sort of cradle. I was a baby who had four years there to grow up and try to look out. But I liked the interior of the cradle better. So I stayed in there. Then Time took me out of the cradle. I found myself in a wonderful world. It was so good. I was so happy. But I found bad things about it too. I know that I haven't seen all of those bad things, but I took quite a lot of joy in looking about and playing a bit. But now that I have seen most of the world, I have to take a direction. I have to find my bearings. Then I have to stand up on my own two feet. After that, I have to follow that direction that I want to take, either running, jumping, or walking, as long as I get where I want to be.

You see the analogy? That cradle was pisay. Tne world was life. It may be life in my own hometown or in the whole world; it doesn't matter as long as it's life. There were good and bad things. My problem now is that I don't really know where I want to be and what direction I've got to take. I don't know what specific kind of life I want. It's going to be luxurious and happy but at the same time helpful to society. That would be my life. But I don't know how to get there. I don't know what job to take, the way that I want to get there. I don't know what studies to take up (choice among running, jumping, walking, climbing, etc.)

I just feel lost. I don't know what made me think of the good analogy. Oh yeah, it was sir Tabin. While we were together going to pisay, he was trying to convince me to shift to Physics. Yeah, it might be a good idea. I love Physics. I may not understand the whole of of it, but I love it. I just took up ECE because I had nothing else to write in my UPCAT Application Form. (Oh yeah, It's funny. One of my friends, Tuazon, asked around ECE students what their goal in life was. Most ECE students answered that they don't have one yet. So maybe ECE is the course for lost people like me.) Maybe. Sir Tabin even says Physicists can go side by side with engineers in the industry area. In the academe.. uhm, I lost that. It just sounds good. But I really have to think about this really hard. Sir tabin also said that Physics was among the most difficult programs in UP. You hear/read the word? DIFFICULT. Maybe love for Physics is not enough to get me high up there to my luxurious goal of a life.

Actually I had been thinking of shifting to Physics since I submitted my Application form to Ateneo (around December last year). I really wanted that Applied Physics w/ Computer Systems course in Ateneo. Ma'am Gumihid, my class adviser, assured me that Ateneo had good Physics courses. My choice of my university depended on whether I made it to that course in Ateneo. I didn't make it. (Most likely the APS-CS was already full by the time I took the second batch of entrance exams.) I went to UP. I really wonder...

During my fourth year, I had that nice glowing goal of becoming a professional who's related to Astronomy. (I simply love Astronomy.) Astrophysicist. (I made a common goal with Desa and Katarina to be an Astrophysicist. One of the first in the PHilippines.) But after some reading around, I found out that I was a bit more interested in Cosmology. I wanted to know more about the universe and its structure.

God, this entry seems long enough. So.. buh-bye. Feel free to comment.

Painful arms brought about by...

Trying to do the laundry for once. Can you believe that being a good girl hurts? It was torture.

Good thing there's ALAXAN... effective pain reliever. Last night was the first time I took that medicine.

Can't think of any other thing to say, so buh-bye.. :-)