War and peace weaved into one big mess.

There's one right now in my home.

I was spiting her because of her lack of patience and there she goes pulling my hair. After that she... I son't know what to call it. She gave us (me and my older sister) the cold shoulder. I thought she wouln't last long, but she ignored us (very weakly, I must say) even in the evening.

That was three days ago. She still ignored us. Still weakly ignoring us. Haha.

And I'm smiling. Probably a bitter smile. I smile because the house finally experienced peace. Tensioned perhaps, but it is still peace.

I (and probably my sister) do a lot of things wrong. But I am no longer afraid of doing it against my mother. She can't scold me whatsoever until she lifts the curse she cast upon herself. She brought this to herself; I don't feel any regret. Compare that with my father. I still respect him and follow all that he tells me to do, with even more care than before. I don't care about my mother anymore; unless she dies. But I don't feel like I will shed any tears for her.

My mother does nothing but nose into people's businesses or cry over spilled milk. Such behavior is the probably most ridiculous that I will ever encounter in this world. Think about living with such a person since your birth. You're bound to become something like it in the end. I prefer not to be. I'd probably prefer another mother than this one. But this is the one that God gave me, so I just have to live with her and also everything that she does. This curse she put on herself is one of the few blessings that ever come.

My other blog.

Hi people. I have another blog. I share it with a friend. We are going to make a story. The other blog is purely fictional. see for yourself.

Your're free to read it.

reading stories lately...

*Big smile* hehe... Hello.

I'm just so happy about reading stories these days. I have read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. And two of my favorite authors (one from fanfiction.net and the other from fictionpress.com) have updated their stories!! Oh me God... I'm so happy.

Most people have read HP6, I think. Especially if they had the money to buy one the other Saturday(July 16). But other people like me have to wait for those people to finish the book before we get to read it. we're only borrowing. I was lucky to have met a friend who bought one right after he bought the book. He was on his way home (to read it, most likely). I was lucky to be the first person in line to borrow the book! Yeah, I've already finished it. And I tell you that the story is really spoiled if you know beforehand who the Half-Blood Prince is.

About the other stories that I have been reading...

Elemental Prophecies. I have finished reading the latest chapter. You can find it on Fanfiction.net. It's a Harry Potter fanfic. It was written by somebody who uses Raven Dragonclaw as his/her penname. (I really think the author's a her. I may be wrong though.) I don' know how long this story is going to be, but I intend to wait for an excitng end. Although it's a HP fanfic, it's got lots of of original ideas in it, so much that it's a far cry from the original. Before you try to read it, read Elemental Genesis, which is a really long story. I think it'll be a very good pastime if you've got unlimited internet.

The other story that I am reading is entitled Queen of Glass. It's an original fiction written by S. J. Maas, another penname. (All the authors that I read in these sites all seem to be female.) I tell you, it's a very original story. It's very long too. Right now, it has 55 long chapters. According to the author, it still has, about a bit more than a third or a bit less than half of the whole story to go.You can find it on Fictionpress.com

Very nice stories.

Something more positive.

I have a nice life now, except for the part which I ranted about in the last entry. That problem still goes on. But other than that I'm very happy because I have good friends. I'm very grateful (to God specially) to have good friends.

Miriam, I miss you very much. Palagay ko, pag nagkita tayo magiging speechless ako sa sobrang tagal na nating hindi nagkita. Siguro wala na akong ibang maiisip o masasabi kundi "sobrang na-miss kita." Haha... I love you very much.

Bukas b-day ni Gellie at Daisy... Happy Birthday! I love you guys. Miss ko na grav.

I wish that I would cease to exist.

Because if I did, then I wouldn't have to think. I'm so tired of thinking, you know. Thinking is something that I do perpetually. I long to see the moment when I don't have to think anymore.
>I'm beginning to sound like somebody Miriam or Faye. Yoohoo! My blog is soon going to be like theirs..<
If I ceased to exist then I wouldn't have mull over all my problems right now. I don't even have to put up the effort of breathing, or staying awake, or sleeping.
And I don't mean dying. I mean just CEASING to exist. Just disappear in one "poof!" with all my mind, body and soul. Maybe if I became nothing then I would know the meaning of true existence. Just KNOW, because i don't exist.
Right now I'm leaving marks that I once existed. What I want to be is to just turn into nothing and be forgotten. When I do that, this blog, and all the other things that i leave behind will only be marks. Just that: marks. Something to remind people that this wretched person existed and just ceased to be. They would robably puzzle around in their heads, "How can something like that just happen? Is this really true? Or Is somebody just making this up and trying to fool around.
All this sounds like I just want to run from all the responsibilities that I have, right? Hah, You don't really know what's going on in this funny head. You don't know how confused this mind is from all that thinking. You don't know how lost this soul feels. You don't know how much I miss the old days with the people I love. You don't know how much trouble living is.
Or maybe you do know how much trouble living can be. You may have experienced the problems brought by everyday. You may understand how much trouble all that happens out of nowhere or all those that result from mistakes made so long ago can bring.
you know what I am so afraid of? I'm afraid that not everything will turn out fine like it all did when I was little. I have to think of all the things that I am going to do and all that I have done. Who knows? All the lies that I am able to tell today may lose me my place in heaven. Or maybe it can just be discovered by all the people that I betray, then they wouldn't trust me anymore. I lie to survive beatings and lashings of the tongue, so that I stay safe. But all these lies may just come back all in one peice to punish me some time in the future. I guess I'm afraid of that. That's why i wish never existed.
My parents will probably tell me, "You owe us your life, you know."
I will answer, "Who told you that I wanted to live anyway? Did anybody tell you that I desired to live? Did anybody convey you the message fo rme that I wanted to be born, that I wanted to grow up? Did I even tell you that I wanted to live? I can die right now for all I care. Then I wouldn't owe you anything at all. I would not need to be the perfect intelligent daughter that you have always wanted me to be."
See how my thoughts can fly about? I fail to clean the floor properly and my mother goes, "have you really cleaned this floor? Why is it still dirty?" etc.
i really want to answer with anice wry smile, "Go on, caomplain about my work all you want. It's the field where you excel the most. I very well know that constant practice makes things perfect. At least you get some ability perfect." I'd probably get a nice crisp *plak* on my cheek for just saying this, but I'd still smile. Smile that she gets offended by the truth.
My sister says to my mother, "You were saying, Ma? That I should just keep quiet? I f i do remain quiet and not defend myself then you'd thin kthat I'm a very bad girl. Do I not have the right to speak up and defend myself?"
Haha.. here comes the really funny part: My mother answers, "It's you father who is quarreling with you. But you quarrel with me." Isa siyang malaking PALUSOT. haha. She can't facve the truth so she answers something else.
Now it's getting obvious that I'm simply rebelling against my mother. *smile* Yes. That's just it. I wish to stop existing just because of my mother.
Uhm... not really. the paragraph with a lot of You-don't-knows cantain something else other than my mother.

Pretty long entry, huh? It ends here.

update for the previous entry

So the suffering in the last entry is called culture shock. It was named by my elder sister few days after I posted. It seems that once i learned what it is called, I knew how to overcome it. I simply ignored it and did what college demands me to do.

yun lang. uhm... ym status ko: i wish to cry, but i wish to laugh. maybe it would be if i do neither.
bakit? basta.