some suffering

I have typed something as a comment to Ginnie's LJ. Grar, nawala.. I'll try to type it here as I have typed it before.
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I have recently been looking at people's blogs. You know what I found out? I found out that other people's blog entries are so darn interesting. Sometimes they are no longer really true, but they are still so interesting.

But why is mine so boringly truthful? I type in what happened to me in my POV, just as simple as that, and it turns out to be very boring. When God distributed creativity to the world, I was probably asleep. (Yah, I probably sleep too much.)

I just have to rant what I feel during the whole weekend. This is what happens when I spend a couple of hours on the AS Steps with a bunch of Pisay people I {am supposed to} love but don't really know. They talk about stuff. I just can't relate because I'm simply clueless about the topic.(Just an example: you [Ginnie] and Gellie talk about anime stuff. I can't relate because I don't have a cable TV and I've outgrown anime.)
Maybe that's it. I think too old. (That doesn't seem right.) I think too old for my age. (Better.) I'm too old for my anime {that's just right for you [Ginnie] who is actually a few months older than me. ironic, isn't it?} Patag and Hazel talk about magazine models. I don't know the people they talk about because I don't give one hell of a damn about FHM. I'm too good for that. Maybe it's also because I'm too poor. I don't watch anime much because I don't have a cable TV. {I don't play internet games because I can't afford those prepaid level-up cards. Prepaid internet cards pose enoughs problems already.}

{Trying to stay with people who talk in a language that I can't understand makes me feel like a tag-along in the midst of my peers. I can't stand it. I have to find other company.} It hurts.
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I have tried to type it the same as I have types it in Ginnie's LJ. The {} represent those parts that I have added just now. I may have missed some parts in the original piece. Some sentences were also previously in Tagalog.
You understand how I feel don't you? So alone. So out-of-place. I feel like I'm the most uninteresing creature on the surface of the planet. No one will ever be interested in me enough to really love me. NO ONE. (That is one hell of a lonely feeling.)
I suddenly find myself wondering: is there anyone out there whose name is "no one?"

i once loved this org, now i hate it.

I meant yfc. Believe me it's a very good organization. God's plan. It really works. It develops leadership in its leaders. I have nothing to say on it as a whole.

But as I said in this post's title, "Now I hate it." Why should I hate it so much that I rant about it in a public place such as my blog? (In actuality, my blog is not public yet. Only Faye and Miriam know about this blog. hahaha) Because I feel so much... hmpf! The only term that I can think of is in Tagalog. Nagngingitngit ako!

Note: All negative things i might say applies only to my specific area. (It's called North C3)

YFC talks of being a united community. To be able to bond with everyone is required. But how can you bond with everybody if you choose a circle a friends? Worse, the people who are so cliquish are the leaders themselves! So they tend to choose leaders who are in their own circle. It's not that I resent not being "promoted" because of this tedency, in fact I'm next in line. But I resent how these "leaders" disobey their own teachings. I don't want to be one of them.

There's also another reason. I belonged (I say belong because I really felt that i bleonged to this group) to a chapter we call C. I belonged to Chapter C, but sadly this group was dissolved because of loss of support from the Couples for Christ. I had to be transferred to another chapter. Do you know what welcome greeted me while I entered this new chapter? None. The first phone call that my chapter head ever gave me was purely functional. Every time she calls me through the phone, all she does is to give me instructions. She's purely functional. Well, she sends me quotes throught text sometimes, but all I do is to read it once and delete it immediately, just like what she did to me when I entered HER (hateful) chapter.

My mind is closed on the matter. I don't intend to attend anymore YFC activities unless my parents force me to.

after almost 2 months...

You cannot imagine how long I was able to abstain from using the Internet. I think it was... almost two months!!! frick... haay.. and now that i'm using it again (because I finally have my allowance again, and it's only a hundred every day..) I am EXTREMELY overjoyed, except for the fact that I can't use my ym because my computer will hang if I did... grr. But still, I'm glad to use the net again..